How To Create Healthy Boundary Conditions
Instructions designed for those who serve others.
Many clients in my coaching and teaching practice describe themselves as a “highly sensitive person” (HSP).[1]
When you're wide open and sensitive to other people’s energies, it’s easy to get influenced or overwhelmed. Crowds can be overwhelming. Parties can be overwhelming. Without filters, everything comes in at the same high volume. The nervous system can’t take it and the perception system begins to shut down to protect the organism.
There are other people who have no filter on what pours in or out of them. They can be easily persuaded to follow a new trend, guru or influencer without discernment or skepticism. They may believe conspiracy theories without checking facts, When sharing a personal story about their life, they tell you much more than you ever wanted to know. It appears that they see themselves as the center of the universe, and everyone should be interested in them. They share openly and constantly and have no room for attention to the other person’s needs.
On the other side of the spectrum are people so closed off from the world that they feel isolated and alone – even in the midst of a friendly crowd. They’ve built thick walls to keep out invasions. Their boundaries are so strong that they’re insensitive to those around them. They may appear to be antisocial, unable to share themselves. They show no vulnerability, and they can’t share their needs or truth with others. They may be afraid of rejection, humiliation, harm, diminishment, or dismissal. Their over-protective boundaries can turn them into germaphobes, hoarders, or misanthropes – haters of humanity.
All of these conditions are caused by a lack of healthy boundaries.
The brain’s information regulation system is called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It’s a network of nerve pathways in the brainstem (at the top of the spinal cord) that acts as a filter, or gatekeeper, for sensory information flowing in from the millions of nerves in the body, from our fingertips to our toes, and from our skin to our deepest organs. The nervous system is an information superhighway, and the RAS acts as the traffic cop at the crossroads. It determines which stimuli is worthy of your attention, and it allows that information to enter your conscious awareness, keeping the rest out. It is also involved in regulation of attention, motivation, and behavior.
To understand the nature of healthy boundaries, I looked for a biological model, because the body is a microcosm of nature’s intelligence. I found that the cell was the perfect representative of healthy regulation. We have roughly 35 trillion cells in our bodies – that’s more than the number of seconds in a million years and more than 300 times as many stars in the Milky Way.
Every type of cell in your body has specific characteristics and a particular job. What separates one cell from another, or a cell from its surroundings, is the cell wall, or membrane, which regulates what enters and exits the cell. On the inside of the cell wall is the liquid cytoplasm, the nucleus, and various organelles such as mitochondria. These organelles do all the work of the cell.
The cell membrane is intelligent in the sense that it knows what to allow in and what to keep out. For example, it allows food (such as oxygen and sucrose) in, but it keeps bacteria and viruses out. It lets out the cell’s waste products, and keep its precious organelles inside, safe and protected.
These are the four boundary conditions for every cell – and for you as a whole person:
1. What do I allow in?
2. What do I allow out?
3. What do I keep in?
4. What do I keep out?
Cell walls are called semipermeable membranes because they are permeable to some things, and not to others. Consider the windows of your home. They allow light in and keep out rain and flying leaves. Window screens allow light and air in and keep out insects. Plastic packaging materials are designed keep out molds and bacteria, keeping fluids in to keep them freshn. Your skin is permeable to sunlight and acts as a barrier against bacteria and harmful substances. It keeps the body’s moisture where it belongs – on the inside – while the sweat glands on your skin push out waste products like urea and ammonia.
Enough biology and physics. Let’s now consider you as a whole being. You have a body which needs to be intact, ensuring that you don’t leak out your precious fluids. In a crowd, you put up an energetic “body bubble” that establishes your space. If someone steps into it, you feel uncomfortable. You are vulnerable with some people, and not with others. You open to intimacy only if you feel safe.
In each dimension of life, you have the ability to establish your own healthy boundaries by deciding what to keep in, what to keep out, what to let in, and what to let out. However, most people are not as conscious of boundary conditions as they should be. If you don't establish your own boundaries, others will happily invade you and feed off your energy. This include bacteria, viruses, insects, narcissists, sexual predators, and people who are energy vampires. (The myth of vampires living amongst us has its root in a real phenomenon.)
People who have a selfish agenda are always on the lookout for people with poor boundary control – because they can be easily manipulated. Toxic narcissists, for example, can be extremely charming. They look very attractive because they give you what you want - attention, approval, compliments, and gifts. Once they have you committed to them, they switch tactics and begin using you as a tool to get what they want.
Corporations with something to sell are constantly working to persuade you to buy their product, and they use all legal means to do so. They have studied psychology, and know how your mind works, and how to persuade you at the subconscious level. Edward Bernays, Sigmund Freud’s nephew, brought his uncle’s understanding of the mind and psychology into the field of marketing subconscious messages.1 During WWII, both sides of the conflict were attempting to persuade and influence their people. The Nazis called it “propaganda,” and Bernays wrote a book by that name in 1928. Later, the word had negative connotations so he changed the name to “public relations.”
The more open your mind, the easier it is for others to manipulate and persuade you. However, a closed mind is not the answer. What is needed, especially in the current political climate, is a wise and discerning mind which can discern what information has value, and what could cause harm.
The healthy boundary issue is complex since it encompasses all aspects of being human makes conscious decisions about what is allowed to enter, what to be skeptical about, and is constantly adjusting the filter in order to stay healthy.
You have a mind that automatically filters some information. According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Ian McGilchrist, it is the filtering of information that allows us to function, not the input. There are endless inputs: your environment, your relationships with others, language and communication, the media you watch, and where you place your attention.
Becoming conscious of your own boundary conditions and consciously shaping them to your preferences is a healthy process. This chart is helpful to determine what is healthy for you as an organism and you as a person:
Imagine that your energetic bubble goes out 3 feet (1 meter) from your body, and forms a bubble around you – a semipermeable energetic membrane.
Think about what energies and qualities you want to allow into your sacred self-space.
Consider love. What qualities of love will you allow in? Perhaps the qualities of safety, purity, morality, and kindness. What qualities will you keep out? Perhaps neediness (except for children, who are naturally needy), narcissism or selfishness, or hidden agendas.
What are the qualities of love that you will send out to others? Perhaps romantic love with your partner, filial love with your children and family, friendly love with those near to you, and generic compassionate love to those you’re not close to and humanity in general. You could love a stranger, but they might take it the wrong way. So you’ll keep your love filtered based on circumstances and closeness, contained in the right places, and more open in intimate circumstances.
Your body has natural healthy boundaries. You let air, water, sunshine and good food in, and keep out the junk that would harm you – including too much of any of those substances. You let in inspiration, which helps you exercise and stay healthy. The exercise you do lets waste products out with your sweat. To let go of what you don’t need, you breathe out carbon dioxide, and you poop and pee out what you don’t need after taking in the nutrition that keeps you healthy. These are all healthy, well-functioning boundary conditions.
Many people have difficulty with establishing healthy boundaries. They may take too much in and not give to others (exhibited in narcissism, for example) or too much goes out and there isn’t enough focus on the self (such as in codependency). Healthy boundaries allow us to care for both ourselves AND others, allowing us to stay in balance. That is the very definition of health.
If someone is too tightly bound with protection from harm, they have difficulties in their relationships. If a person is too open, they can appear to be sloppy in their energy exchanges with others.
Consider the flow of information. What information do you want to allow in? The news? Politics? Economics? Reality shows? Sitcoms? Humor and comedy? Drama? Thrillers and killers? What’s healthy for you? You can decide consciously, or you can let the media algorithms decide for you. Media companies have done the research, and they know how to stimulate your next click. They are masters of control over YOUR attention.
Consider your relationship to Spirituality, God, or the Divine. Do you want to be open to divine energies? At what volume? Do you allow good advice and blessings to come in from your ancestors? Guides? Your Higher Self or Soul?
How can you filter so-called spiritual energies, and ensure that lower “astral” entities don’t invade your space? You can ask for help from your Higher Self or angels (if you believe in them), saying, “Higher Self/Angels/God, please establish healthy boundary conditions in every dimension for me.”
When you put conscious attention on setting your boundaries in each dimension of life, sorting out what you want and don’t want, you build an important muscle that will keep you strong and healthy. You decide.
If you don't decide for yourself, you’ll get whatever you get – often determined by others who want to sell you something. If you feel controlled or invaded, you are being shown where you haven’t set up healthy boundaries.
If you are a coach, healer, or therapist, it's very important to NOT take on your clients’ energies and the stuff they are releasing. Set up a powerful bubble of pure white light around you. Nothing below the level of that light can get inside your bubble. This is a crucial protection to keep you safe and balanced.
Please let me know whether this is helpful in your work and life.
[1] I recommend two books on the subject of HSPs: Elaine Aaron’s "The Highly Sensitive Person” and Judith Orloff’s “The Empath’s Survival Guide.”
[2] https://theconversation.com/the-manipulation-of-the-american-mind-edward-bernays-and-the-birth-of-public-relations-44393